


164 Days With You

by sharkeu



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Cancer, Depression, Diary/Journal, Hyungline, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, a little bit of hero complex, but its probably not the happy ending yall are expecting, dont mind the ship tags its just messing with yall, lost diary, there is a happy ending dont worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-09 09:09:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14713232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkeu/pseuds/sharkeu
Summary: Mark saves people, can he save Jinyoung too?





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning applies. Some of the journal entries implies hurting one's self, please be advised.

“Excuse me! Please make way!” Jackson aggressively shouts pulling the trolley bed through the Emergency Room’s door.

“What’s going on here?” Mark calmly asks meeting Jackson halfway.

“Big accident.” Jackson answered. “A collision on the highway—a bus, a car and a fucking tank truck. Dude, the guy on the ambulance needs more hand. I got this.”

In an instant, Mark runs outside where the ambulance is parked and two more are roaring behind it. Mark curses internally, _too much work for tonight_ , he thought to himself.

Mark shakes the unnecessary thoughts away and carries on with work. As usual.

But tonight, it was different.

Mark is on his fifth patient, still from the same accident. The first four weren’t badly hurt. Two had dislocated bones and the other three, all he had to do is to attend to their wounds. It wasn't even that serious.

For his sixth patient, though, he was asked to be in the operating room. A man is lying on the hospital bed, unconscious. His body is not severely wounded except for his head. There is a wound on top of his forehead that won’t stop bleeding.

“Traumatic brain injury.” The head surgeon announces as she puts down the clipboard reading the patient’s initial findings, her expression dark. She looks at the watch in her wrist. “This isn’t good and it’s getting worse every minute. We need to stop the bleeding first.”

Everyone on the operating room took it as a signal to get on their feet and get started with the operation.

Mark was seven when he first realized he wanted to be a doctor. He was sitting in class, mind wandering in some afternoon cartoon, when his teacher called him and asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up. Mark didn’t know. He could’ve said a lawyer, a painter, a president or even a celebrity if he’d liked. But what he wanted is to be a superhero. He could’ve said that but he thought, at seven, that it’s a dumb thing to say. He eventually said doctor. Doctors save lives as much as heroes do so he wanted to be a doctor.

Mark was seventeen when he decided to be a doctor. His father was lying on a hospital bed, giving up. It’s been a full minute since the line on his cardiac monitor was in one flat line, the machine beeping like crazy. For that whole minute, a doctor was defibrillating his father but it’s not working. Another minute later and the doctor gave up with the machine, called another nurse and he started pumping his chest, performing CPR by hand but it’s still no use. Another minute later, Mark and his mom were crying and his father’s lifeless. That was the moment Mark realized that he needed to be a doctor to save lives in return of what he lost.

Mark is twenty-seven and he has dedicated his life into saving lives. He’s been a resident emergency room doctor for the past three years. He thought it’s going to be easy. When he started working, he was full of hope of saving lives but life isn’t supposed to be easy. Each day, Mark slowly realized that saving lives isn’t as easy as he thought it’ll be. He lost one patient then another, then another until he has lost count. He hated himself. It wasn’t entirely his fault, people around him told him that. Sometimes, no matter how hard he tries, it just isn’t in the heavens plans anymore.

At twenty-seven, Mark is standing in an operating room with a man obviously dying on the operating bed and all he wants is to save him.

 

 

About four hours later, Jackson went back to their quarters with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He switched the lights on and found Mark lying on the bunk bed, one arm covering his eyes. He didn't even flinch when the dark room turned bright.

“Hey,” Jackson mumbles as he sits next to Mark.

Again, Mark didn't even move and Jackson felt a pit on his stomach.

“We good, man?” Jackson asks, turning to Mark to check on him.

Jackson is reaching for Mark’s arm when the latter suddenly moves, making Jackson jump in surprise.

Mark took a heavy sigh as he sits up on the bed, taking the place beside Jackson.

“I’m just tired.” Mark answered, twisting his neck on either side.

“I hate accidents. When will people stop driving when they’re drunk?” Jackson rants. “The driver of the fucking tank truck was drunk.”

Mark simply shakes his head as he stood up from the bed and went to get his things.

“Hey, you’re leaving already?” Jackson asked.

Mark nodded taking off his scrub suit top to change into a clean shirt. “My shift ended two hours ago.”

Jackson knows Mark for as long as he can remember and he just knows when something isn’t right with his best friend.

“Hey, Mark.” Jackson called stopping Mark from opening the door. “What’s wrong?”

Mark sighed. “My patient died today.”

Jackson’s shoulders dropped.

“Shit.”

Was all Jackson could say and in an instant, Mark is out of the room.

 

 

At the end of the day, it’s nothing but work. It’s a job he’s asked to do. Even though his shifts feel like fifteen-hours long and sometimes becomes even more, it’s nothing but work. Working in a hospital’s Emergency Room is probably the most exhausting—physically, mentally, emotionally—job ever. But Mark got used to it.

Mark used to think that being a doctor is about saving people, curing the sick, giving hope to the loved ones—all that heroic shit. But it didn't take long before he got tired of it. It’s like all his emotions and hope has been burned down by stress.

He didn't know how or when. It’s just one day, he started caring less. Cared less about people getting rushed to operations; about loved ones mourning; about patients dying. He didn't use to be this heartless but he’s just grew tired of all the emotional stress. He got tired of crying for people he doesn't even know. He realized that, maybe, saving lives isn’t for him.

Mark is smoking in the alleys behind the hospital when he saw two cats playing at one corner, near the trash bins. The cats are playing with a box, fighting who is the rightful owner of the box. The cats roll and jump around while whimpering and moaning. Mark simply watches them from a far, didn't want to get any scratches for trucing a feline fight.

After a minute or two, the two cats roll over to the other side, vanishing in the mountain of trash and leaving the box ripped open. It was only then when Mark realized that the box has the hospital’s logo on it.

Mark took one last puff of his cigarette before throwing it away then walking to the box. He didn't know why, but his feet are faster than his mind. He knelt at the stone pavement as he examines the box that’s messily opened with fangs and nails marks.

There’s nothing special about it, just a couple of papers from the hospital. It’s not even controversial, just a few visiting logs from the nurses’ desk.

Mark was about to leave it and go home when he found something underneath the papers—a small, worn out notebook. He usually doesn’t care. Not his stuff, not his problem. But he took the notebook, dust it off a bit, then tucked it in his bag before walking home.

Maybe that’s when he started caring.

 

 

Working at the hospital’s ER has taken away Mark’s sense of right sleep. He was considered as one of the best in the hospital so he was given the night shift, for some reasons only unfortunate events can explain, the ER is the busiest during nighttime. So it makes Mark’s nights days and his days his nights.

Mark likes keeping his apartment dark. It makes sense, nights are supposed to be dark and no one can actually sleep with the bright rays of the sun seeping through your windows—that or he just wanted everything dark.

But today, after making himself a cup of ramen, Mark let the lights on. He walks to his couch with a ramen and chopsticks in one hand and the notebook he just found in the other.

He puts the ramen on top of his table, letting it cook, as he sits on his couch. He opened the notebook for the first time and he’s greeted by pages filled with messy handwriting. It’s literally messy—the handwriting is almost illegible, there are smudges in the pages, wrinkled pages, there are even some that’s ripped off.

It’s a journal, he realized after scanning through the pages and finding the entries starting with the word _Day_ and a number.

Mark slumped at the floor from his couch, his free hand busy with his ramen while his other hand and his eyes are fixed on the journal as he reads excerpts of the entries. Few more scans and Mark knew it’s dark. This person has so much in his shoulders to carry.

A few slurp from his noodles after, he turned his full attention to the notebook, tracking back to the first page. And he reads:

_Day 1_

_Today I was ready._

_I had it all planned out. I have been postponing it for a really long time but today, is finally the day that I’m ready. I’m ready to end it._

_I am going to end my life._

Mark felt a pit in his stomach. This is not what he’s expecting. It’s an odd feeling when you’re someone who works to keep people alive and all of a sudden you find someone wanting to end theirs.

He didn't want to continue reading. He doesn't like this feeling. Heck, he didn't even know who’s journal this is. But he dared to continue.

_I have everything I need ready. I thought a lot about how to do it. There are a lot of ways I can do, I tried to do them before but it all failed._

_Cutting myself—it was something easy. I can do it in an instant but I realized it’s no use. A few marks on my arm and I realized I’m numb to the pain._

_So I tried something else, pills overdose. Now that’s easier. One minute your on a trip to the pharmacy, and the minute, your jugging those tiny little pills. Then you blackout. I thought that’s it, the end. But I always wake up a few minutes later in hospital room that’s too bright for me._

_I tried a bunch of other things but I always fail. Maybe it’s just really my nature—to fail._

_Or maybe, all this time, I wasn't ready._

_But today, I am._

_I’m going to jump off a building. It’s a method I never wanted to try. It takes too much attention, too much attention is a risk. But I’m going to try it anyway. Maybe it’s what will finally work._

_I was on my way to this tall skyscraper when I heard a cat crying. I shouldn't care, I don't even like cats. So I walked ahead, I’ve got a mission today and I can’t afford a distraction._

_But it feels like the cat is directly calling me. I took a deep breath. Maybe a few minutes of postponement wouldn't hurt. I turned around and walked back to the cat._

_It doesn't look like he’s a stray cat. She seems healthy but she’s wounded. Badly wounded._

_I panicked. I took her in my arms. There are no vets around so I brought him back home. I know nothing about attending to wounds, more so about attending an animal’s wound but I tried it anyway. Cleaned the wood, put a bandage on it._

_I watched her as she sleeps. It’s amazing how, moments ago, this cat was crying for help and dying. Now, she’s sleeping soundly on my couch._

_It was only then that I realized it’s already dark. It’s past nine in the evening and the building I’m supposed to jump off is already closed._

_I was ready. I really am. But it was postponed again._

_I was busy saving this cat that I forgot what I’m supposed to do._

_I woke up this morning determined to end my life._

_But tonight, this cat is alive and so I am._

_Today I lived._

_-Jinyoung_

Mark was tearing up when he finished reading. It’s weird, it’s odd. He didn't expect to be overwhelmed this much just by reading someone’s journal entry.

Mark has always wanted to save lives and he has dedicated his life to do so. So, knowing someone is out there wanting to end his life but ultimately lives is something too overwhelming for him.

But it didn't stop him from reading.

He spent the rest of the day scanning and reading through the entries. It was only then that he realized what this journal really is. Each day, this guy—Jinyoung—wrote something that made him live for the day, just like how the cat did on his first entry. Most of it were silly things—the wind, a slipper, a pen—but all of it made him live.

Through his entries, Jinyoung shared bits of his life, he never wrote his story in detail. All he writes is how his day went and how at the end of the day, he is still alive. But somewhere within his entries, Mark had a view of his life is. Or was.

He seems like a young man, probably around Mark’s age—judging from how he uses his words. Despite sounding young, this guy has gone through a lot. As Jinyoung shared in one of his entries, he was a failed abortion. His mother never liked him, she doesn't even want him in the first place. All his life, his mother resented him.

When he was five, his younger sister was born. His mother loved her so much, so much more than him. Growing up, he has seen and experienced how his mother favored her sister over him. She loves her more and more everyday while she hates him more and more as days pass by.

His father was good to him, though. It’s obvious at how he wrote about him, it was as if he idolized him. He was the only one who accepted Jinyoung. But he lost him too soon. Jinyoung was in high school when his father died in an accident and while he didn't mention it directly, Mark thinks that his father died because of him. Or that’s how Jinyoung thinks because Jinyoung wrote once that it should be him and it’s all because of him.

All his life, he has this emotional pain in his heart. He was done with his life, obviously tired of living, but here he is trying his best just to survive each day.

Mark feels bad about reading his journal thinking that it’s something personal and based on how Jinyoung’s personality (at least judging on how he writes), he wouldn't want anyone to read this.

Mark was never nosy. He never really cared that much about other people’s lives—more so about a stranger’s life. But Mark feels this urge to go through each entry. He feels as if, on each entry, Jinyoung is asking for help. And he does, he really does but Mark doesn't know he can help him. He’s dying to help him but it seems like there are no ways.

There is no personal information in the journal. He tired looking for a Jinyoung on social networking sites but Jinyoung is such a common name, there’s not even a surname. There are thousands of suggestions that show up and how the heck will Mark know which Jinyoung is it? Jinyoung doesn't even sound like he’s someone who’s into social media, again judging from his personality.

Mark doesn't know what to do. He didn't know why he took this notebook or why is he still reading. But now that he did, he just can’t stop. It feels like it’s the least that he can do to help Jinyoung.

Mark is in the middle of reading day ten, it was when Jinyoung found the real owner of the cat, when his phone started ringing. He didn't want to answer it at first but it’s ringing like crazy and when he glanced at it, it was Jackson.

He shut the journal, leaving his finger as mark on where he’s reading, and answered the call.

“What’s up?” Mark greeted.

“What do you mean what’s up?” Jackson asks back. “Where the hell are you man? Our shift started an hour ago.”

“Shit.” Mark cursed turning to his clock to confirm the time. He was indeed an hour late and he hasn't even washed up since he got home.

He threw his phone and the journal to the couch, taking the half-eaten ramen to the sink then running to the bathroom for a quick shower.

He comes back minutes later, dressed in his scrub suit with his hair dripping with water. He took his phone, keys and the journal along with it, stuffing it inside his bag with no hesitation.

 

 

“What the hell, you’re reading?” Jackson asks with eyes full of surprise after seeing Mark inside their quarters, sitting in the computer chair, a notebook in hand. Jackson walks past him and settles in the bed

They have an hour break and Jackson was a bit worried that Mark wasn't there in the nursing station when he got back from an operation. Mark usually just spends his break in the nurse station knowing very well that he’ll get called for help anyway.

Mark simply rolled his eyes, turning his back on his friend.

Youngjae, a patient and a friend, chuckles. “Hey, you sound like Mark doesn't ever read. He wouldn't be the Director’s favorite doctor if he didn't read all the medical books out there.”

“That’s the point. He already read every book.” Jackson mumbles while failing to snatch the notebook from Mark. “Is that porn?”

Mark gave him a look. “Shut up.”

“Then, why are you hiding it?” Jackson asks, failing miserably in snatching the notebook from Mark. The latter swiftly turns his body away from the younger lad which ends up with Jackson hitting his head on the table in front of Mark.

“Fine, shove that in your chest if you don't want to share.” Jackson pouts as he slumps himself back on the bunk bed.

Youngjae walks to sit beside Jackson, laughing at his friend’s tantrum.

A moment of silence came after. Jackson still waiting for Mark to give in, Mark not caring at all and eyes still fixed on what he’s reading and Youngjae just letting the tensed air get worse.

About ten minutes later, Mark sighed heavily, surrendering. Jackson has been staring at him for the past ten minutes and it’s starting to annoy him. And he basically just can’t stand Jackson being pouty and all.

Mark closed the notebook and puts it in his lap. “I found this on the dumpster outside.”

Jackson’s eyes brighten when Mark started talking, his body quickly shifting to face Mark. Youngjae did the same too.

“So, that’s trash?” Jackson mumbles.

Mark pretended he didn't hear him then continued. “It’s like a journal of some sort. Like a diary.”

“You’re reading someone else’s diary?” Jackson asked, eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Whose diary is it?”

Mark shrugged. “I told you I just found it in the dumpster.”

“You found it in a dumpster and you don't know who owns it.” Youngjae recaps. “Man, that’s creepy.”

Mark shot Youngjae a look before turning to Jackson hoping for backup but the latter just shrugs.

“Pretty weird to me too, Dude.” Jackson said.

Mark made a face. “You don't understand. This guy, there’s something about—“

“So, he’s a guy?” Jackson cuts off to ask.

Mark sighed. “Not that it matters but yes.”

“Does he have a name too? I suppose he do since it’s a diary.” Youngjae added.

“Jinyoung. Every entry is signed with the name Jinyoung at the end so I suppose that’s him.” Mark answered.

There was another moment of silence. Both Jackson and Youngjae didn't know how to react.

“You don't understand.” Mark repeated. “This guy, he’s…” he trailed off, not knowing how to continue or to even continue.

“He’s depressed _and_ suicidal.” The words came out a little bit too heavy from Mark’s lips.

Jackson and Youngjae froze in their places. The random diary Mark is reading is already too much to comprehend for now, knowing that it’s a bit more dark than some high school shit isn’t helping.

“He’s been trying to end his life for what seems like a long time.” Mark continued. “On his first entry, he’s ready to jump off a building, thinking that it’ll be finally the right method.”

“But on his way to the building, he found a wounded cat.” Mark isn’t much of a talker so each word that came in his mouth is carefully spoken. “He cured the cat and then he forgot he’s about to jump off the building. Then he realized there are other things to hold on to. So, everyday, he started looking for things to make him alive. Something to live for. And I tell you, it’s the silliest things. There was this day when all he lived for was his pair of slippers. But it didn't matter because he’s obviously in pain but he’s still trying to hold on.”

Jackson and Youngjae exchanged looks, both of them still skeptical about the things Mark is talking about.

“How many days are there?” Youngjae asked.

“I don't know.” Mark admitted. “I haven’t checked the last page but I’ve scanned through it and I think there’s a lot. Probably a hundred and more.”

“Hundred days.” Youngjae mumbles. “That’s awfully short. Do you think there’s more?”

Mark shakes his head. “But I hope there is more.”

Jackson looks at his friends with confusion in his eyes. “And you’re sure this isn’t some fictional novel of some shit?”

Mark rolled his eyes. “It’s perfectly handwritten, Jackson.” Mark is losing patience for his best friend.

Jackson looks away.

“So, how does he sound in the latter entries?” Youngjae asks, his curiosity is making Mark feel better. Somehow, he feels like someone believes him.

“Well, he did sound better, I think.” Mark explains. “I’m on the twelfth day and he found the owner of the wounded cat. It’s a guy named Jaebum. I think he’s actually crushing on him.”

Jackson scoffed. “You sure it’s not a young-adult novel?”

Mark shot him a sharp look and was about to smack him with the notebook when his phone chimed. He dropped the book in an instant to glance at his phone. A heavy sigh exited his lips as soon as he reads the message preview.

“When will those people know the meaning of breaks?” Jackson’s tensed shoulders dropped when he heard Mark’s ringtone that he assigned for when it’s work that’s texting him.

“Somebody dislocated his leg.” Mark declares as he stands from the chair, putting the notebook inside his bag.

“There’s literally four doctors in the emergency doing nothing when I left.” Jackson pouts. “You’re not the only doctor here.”

“But I’m the best.” Mark says giving his best friend a cheeky smile then exits the room, giving Youngjae a nod before leaving.

Jackson and Youngjae watch Mark leave the room, the former still has the annoyance in his face.

“So, when will you tell him?” Youngjae suddenly asks, standing from the bed to sit in the chair in front of Jackson, the one Mark was sitting at earlier.

“Tell him what?” Jackson is clueless.

Youngjae gave him a smug smile as if Jackson should know what he’s talking about.

“Tell him that you’re in love with him.”

Youngjae laughed hysterically the moment he saw Jackson froze in his seat, lips turned pale and his eyes are in deep shock.

One second he’s laughing, a second later, a pillow came flying to him, straight to his face thanks to Jackson.

Youngjae didn't stop laughing though. His laughter just became louder and Jackson is still pale, definitely caught off guard.

“Shut up, I’m not in love with Mark.” Jackson said firmly. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Youngjae scoffed, his laughter dying down. “How long have we been friends?”

Jackson didn't answer.

“Whatever, my memory isn’t that good.” Youngjae said bitterly. “But I’ve known you both for the longest time, been watching you two and I know for sure you’re far from just friends.”

Jackson went from pale to red in an instant. “W-what do you mean?”

“Is that a glimmer of hope I see in your eyes?” Youngjae teased.

“Fuck you.” Jackson muttered that made Youngjae laugh again.

“Come on, Jackson. Stop denying it yourself. I know you like Mark more than just a friend.” Youngjae said. “Why else would you care so much about him getting his ass to work even during his break?”

Jackson made a face as if it’s common knowledge. “It’s basic work ethics and employee’s rights.”

“Ethics.” Youngjae mumbles under his breath. “I bet you haven’t told him about the Hong Kong offer yet.”

Jackson looked away.

“You haven’t told him because you know he’ll tell you to go for it and that means you’ll have to leave him.” Youngjae explained.

Jackson groaned. “It’s my decision to make not his.”

Youngjae shrugs. “Whatever will make you sleep sound at night.”

Jackson sighed heavily. “Hey, stop bothering me. You have an appointment with Dr. Han. You can’t not go there today again. Your mom is coming.”

Youngjae, for a moment, was caught off guard with the reminder before breaking into a wide grin.

“Yeah, yeah.” Youngjae surrenders standing up. “Just wait ‘til I’m fully recovered and I’m out of this hospital, you’ll see what happens when I became cupid.”

Jackson suddenly smiled widely. “Yeah, if that’s what will motivate you then so be it. You can’t go back to this hospital again once you’re out, okay?”

Youngjae smiled weakly then turns his back to Jackson, walking to the door then leaving his friend alone in the quarters.

Jackson took a deep breath before lying down on the bed. He shuts his eyes hoping he could squeeze in at least a fifteen-minute nap. Unfortunately, it’s something he can’t do right now. Not when his friend just interrogated him about his feelings for his longest friend. He ended up opening his eyes instead and stared at the metal railings of the bed above.

Jackson met Mark at a hospital. They found each other crying in the fire exit staircase—both of them mourning their loss. Mark just lost his father while Jackson lost all his dreams of becoming an Olympian.

ACL tear gone worst. One moment he’s on a friendly ball game then the next he’s in front of a doctor, his father beside him full of expectations. While his knee can be treated in about a year, full rehabilitation is nowhere in sight. And just like that, his dreams and his life planned ahead of him are all shattered.

He was devastated. It’s too much for an almost seventeen-year-old to face the truth all while dealing with his father’s disappointment. So he ran and cried in the staircase, hoping no one would find him there.

But Mark was there, just as wounded and he is. Probably worse. He met someone who’s just as devastated as he was and he realized he’ll get through it. They would get through it.

And they did. They stuck with each other and got through that dark age of their lives. Ten years later and they’re still stuck with each other, dealing with all the shit of life together.

Does he have feelings for Mark? Does he really love Mark? Well, he sure does. They’ve been friends for the most of their lives, being friends is truly an understatement.

But is he _really_ in love with Mark? Jackson can’t tell. He really can’t. Mark has been a constant part of his life for the past ten years. Mark is always there for him and so is he for him.

Maybe he did. Maybe after all these years, he had developed feelings for his best friend.

Or maybe not. Maybe Mark really is nothing but a huge part of him, like his partner, a family.

Jackson rolls over to his side, hoping to shuffle his thoughts away.

He really can’t tell. But one thing is for sure—Mark was, is and will always be his hope.

 

***

 

_Day 26._

_Today I live for stolen glances._

Mark’s eyebrows furrow reading at the odd line opening this entry. He has been reading this journal for the past three days and he’s not even halfway through it. A part of him didn't want to finish it in an instant. It kind scares him a bit knowing that this is a journal of someone keeping himself alive, ending it means two things—either he comes in terms with life or he quit.

But it’s taking Mark too long to read because the entries are awfully long. Jinyoung, apparently, is not shy when it comes to writing his journals. Mark thinks he has a bit of a writer in him. He leaves no detail and somehow writes a bit poetic too.

Given that, about fourteen entries in, Mark is slowly getting to know Jinyoung a little bit more. Through Jinyoung’s entries, Mark discovered that he likes reading. He has one entry—day three—when he just talked about books and it’s wonders. Mark also know that he has a bit of pettiness in him that mostly ends up him acting savage towards others. Jinyoung wrote about it in day nine when his sister visited him and he wrote about how much he hates it when she visits without prior warning but at the end of the entry, he wrote about how much his sister means to him. He ended the entry saying he lives for his sister. Like he does everyday.

Mark admired him for that. Knowing how much his mother favors his sister over him, you’ll think he’ll resent his sister too. But Jinyoung didn't. In fact, he loves his sister so much. So much that it hurts Mark reading about it.

It’s weird to know someone so much just by reading his diary. Mark is not even the type to make much of an effort to get to know someone. But there is something that draws Mark into flipping every page, every entry, every day.

Mark thinks he is starting to know Jinyoung a little bit more so when this entry started with the words _stolen glances_ , he just knew it’s something uncharacteristic for Jinyoung. But Mark still continued to read on.

_Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since Hope has been taken away and I miss her so much._

Mark couldn't help but smile whenever he reads about the cat’s name. Jinyoung named the cat Hope because it somehow gave him hope to continue living. Or at least postpone whatever thoughts of killing himself that he has. Mark knows it’s still there. He can see it in the way Jinyoung writes about the little things; how he can still be distracted by things that reminds him of his pain; how some days, his entries are nothing but pain. But still, Jinyoung is trying.

_Jaebum is a nice guy. For some tough looking guy like him—piercing eyes and cold stare—it’s quite a surprise that he looked for his cat for three weeks. He seems like a sensitive guy so I hope he noticed how sad I was when he took Hope away—or Nora. Apparently, her name is Nora. What kind of name is that? It sounds old and boring._

“Nora’s a nice name.” Mark mumbles, looking up from the notebook in an instant, suddenly remembering that he’s in the hospital quarters and although he’s alone, it’s still a bit weird to talk to himself here.

 _I clearly told him I’d love to hangout with ~~Hope~~_ _Nora again some time. I gave my number too but I didn't expect him to appear in the coffee shop I’m working at. More surprisingly, Nora is not with him._

Mark felt a sudden jolt in his chest that he can’t explain.

_My initial reaction was to hide behind the counter, of course. What is he even doing there, right? I don't think I ever told him I work there. I mean, this is a public place, of course he can be here on his own, not because he’s here to see me._

_I told one of my co-workers to take Jaebum’s order instead when I saw him walking to the counter. It’s no big deal. I’m just not good with socializing with people, especially on sudden situations like this. It caught me off guard, that’s it. It’s not like I’m hiding from him or something. Or was I?_

_Come to think of it, I think I was. Because minutes later, when he got his order and is comfortably sitting at a table near the coffee shop’s glass walls, I found myself taking glances, as if making sure it’s really him; as if trying to see if he’s waiting for someone else or something._

_But instead of finding out if he’s on a date or anything, I found him taking glances too. Our eyes locked for a second before I quickly turned away. My heart was beating too fast. Did he see me watching? Did he even recognize me? Damn it. Why is this even making me nervous?_

_I immediately went inside the staff room to calm myself and to prep. I don't care if he saw me or not. I’m gonna go say hi. What could go wrong, right?_

_What happened when I went outside wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't really right either. Because I found Jaebum talking to my co-worker and apparently, he was looking for me. Which was so weird, how did he even know where I work?_

_Nora misses me too—as per Jaebum. We went back to his table to talk. I don't know how he can tell that Nora misses me but, apparently, he has been trying to call me for the past week but he couldn't reach me. Turns out, I messed up the number I gave him (one of the numbers was six instead of seven). So, he tried looking for me on social media which is pointless, of course. Luckily for him, or for Nora, he found a lot of tissue napkins on Hope’s stuff that I gave him when he took Nora. He wasn't really expecting that I’ll really be here but “the heavens are probably on his side”—his exact words ‘cause he found me there. I’m not gonna lie. That did make me smile._

_I asked him, though—I just had to ask, because I’m someone who likes to mess up good things—if Nora is the one missing me, why isn’t she with him? And maybe Jaebum is someone who knows how to make things better, even the most messed up ones, because his answer is nothing but a shy smile and I found myself smiling too._

_-Jinyoung_

“He’s actually flirting?” Mark mumbles to himself, forgetting once again that he’s alone in the room. Only this time, someone actually heard him.

“What? Who are you talking to?” Jackson asks as he enters the room, walking straight to sit in the chair in front of Mark.

“No one.” Mark answered, closing the book and sitting up on the bed, annoyance is very much evident in his face.

Jackson chose to not talk about Mark’s annoyance. “Why are you still here anyway? Didn't your shift ended two hours ago?”

“Waiting for you, dummy.” Mark nonchalantly replies as he stretches his arms.

Jackson beamed into a wide a smile. “You love me that much, huh?”

“No, it’s because you hate going home alone at night.” Mark said standing up from the bed, walking straight to their lockers to change his top.

Jackson made a straight face. It wasn't a lie. Jackson hates going home alone, especially at night. He hates it when he has no one to talk to in the bus.

Jackson shrugged it off anyway, following Mark to the locker—who’s done changing by now. Jackson did the same, getting a fresh white shirt from his locker and changing to it.

“Let’s have a drink.” Jackson announced, closing his locker.

“Why? What for?” Mark asks walking past Jackson, bag over one shoulder, walking to the door.

“Come on, do best friends need a reason to hangout?” Jackson asks, following Mark and throwing his arm over his shoulder once he reached him.

Mark smiled, shaking his head. “I need a drink, too.”

 

 

The two went to a tent just a few blocks from the hospital, both of them didn't want to go far from their places.

They were quiet for the first two bottles of soju, just having small talks about stuff going on the hospital, as if they don't know what’s going on.

Jackson is pretty talkative while Mark is as quiet as a wall. They are an odd pair—one can’t shut his mouth while the other shuts the world around him. But they are connected by life struggles and somehow, being two different person still works out.

Mark was busy munching tteokboki when Jackson poured soju to his shot glass then poured some for his own.

Jackson took his shot glass and raised it. “Cheers.”

Mark gave Jackson a confused look, one hand taking a tissue to wipe the sauce on his lips while the other reaches for his shot glass.

“What for?” Mark asks raising his shot glass hesitantly.

Jackson’s reply was simply a smile as he bump his shot glass to Mark’s creating a small popping sound. His smile is still plastered on his face as he takes the glass to his lips, drinking the shot. Mark noticed his smile isn’t happy at all. Like it’s in sorrow or something.

Mark didn't ask about it anyway and just drinks instead. It’s just never in Mark’s nature to ask people. He’d rather wait for them than to pester them to talk.

And Jackson did just that. Giving in after a few shots.

“I got an offer.” Jackson mumbles.

Mark pours himself some soju, waiting for Jackson to continue. The seriousness in his voice is making him nervous.

“Apparently, the Director listens to the words I say.” Jackson chuckles taking a shot of soju before continuing. “He remembered me wanting to be a sports team doctor so he offered me training, sponsored by the hospital, of course.”

Mark smiles widely, his chest feeling light, like he was relieved.

“That’s great.” Mark said. “You’ve always wanted that.”

Jackson smiled weakly. “Yeah, I don't know if I should take it.”

Mark’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Why? That’s a good offer.”

“It is. It really is.” Jackson echoed. “But it’s in Hong Kong.”

“Oh.” was the only sound Mark could make. He didn't know how to feel, how to react even. There’s a different feeling creeping in his chest. He can’t explain what it is but it’s bad. It’s selfish. He doesn't want Jackson to go. No. He doesn't even know why but he can’t afford to be left behind. To be alone.

Why is he even feeling this way? This is a big shot. A big opportunity for his best friend. Who is he to hold him back?

Mark pours himself a shot and gulps it, almost too aggressively that Jackson has a tiny bit of fear in him. He shouldn't have said that. He doesn't want this anyway. He can’t go. He can’t leave Mark alone.

Mark was looking down when his lips form a smile. It’s too sharp that the fear Jackson has in his chest grew bigger.

“You should take it.” Mark mumbles.

Jackson waited for him to continue, expecting some sort of reaction or explanation. But there’s nothing. Mark just pours himself a shot, takes it, pours another and takes it again.

After his fourth shot, Mark looks at Jackson, stared at him for a moment before breaking into a wide, cheeky grin. It’s too sincere that it almost hurts Jackson.

“You should take it.”

***

 

_Day 37._

_Today I live for Nora._

_Jaebum picked me up at work again today._

Mark felt his chest grew tight. Jaebum has been appearing quite a lot in Jinyoung’s entries. He doesn't know exactly why but it’s safe to say that he isn’t liking the guts of this Jaebum guy. He’s definitely hitting on Jinyoung and Mark is feeling overprotective about him.

It’s childish, it’s weird—it’s outright insanity to get too attached to someone he doesn't know except from a paper. But it’s a diary, a journal where Jinyoung keeps track of all of his thoughts—the good and the bad. It may be just a piece of paper but Mark feels like he knows Jinyoung so well by this time. And it’s not simply just knowing him. There’s attachment, like he found a newfound friend. He wants to treat him like a friend.

_It’s the third time this week and the eleventh time since he first visited me. No. It’s not like I’m keeping track, I’m just good at remembering stuff. He came a little bit early but still waited for me to finish work—which came two hours after because my boss decided to make me do stuff even after my shift._

_By the time I got out of work, it’s too late to go out anymore. I figured he’ll just drop me off at home, like he’s been doing in the past days but he didn't. Instead, he invited me to his place. He said Nora misses me. Again._

Jaebum seems like a good guy, Jinyoung made sure to point it out every time. As if he knows that Mark is reading and he’s assuring him that there’s nothing wrong with making friends with Jaebum. But Mark knows, Jinyoung knows and Jaebum knows it’s not just friendship that they’re talking about here. Mark couldn't come in terms with it. If he could, he’d talk to Jinyoung and give some sense to him. Tell him he’s being too open to him, too trusting. But of course, it’s something he can’t do.

_I didn't say no, I miss Nora too anyway. And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to spend more time with Jaebum too. Jaebum is a really nice guy. I know I’m too much to handle. I space out a lot of times, like I forget about the world I live in. I think too negatively and voice those thoughts out. I’m a mess, I’m a failure, I’m barely surviving each day._

There’s a sudden tug in Mark’s chest that felt so real. It hurts him, pains him to know someone feels like this to themselves—that Jinyoung feels this way. Mark may not know him aside from his own words but Mark thinks Jinyoung is perfect just the way he is. That his wounds and imperfections are what makes him beautiful. If he could only tell him that.

_But Jaebum sticks with me. He takes my hand to pull me out from the abyss of my thoughts. He accepts all my negative thoughts and tells me it’s okay to think that way but at the same time uplifts my spirit. It’s a miracle how he does it._

_And he looks at my scars—he didn't bother asking about it—he looks at them like it’s the most beautiful thing about me. I hated it when I found him staring once. It felt like he was patronizing my flaw and my sick mind. But there was something in his eyes and the way he gently touches each wound. It’s like his warmth can somehow heal all of it._

Maybe Mark didn't have to tell it himself because someone does it already.

_We got to his place, which turns out to be a thirty-minute bus ride from my work, and he told me he’ll make me a decent dinner. By decent, he meant re-heating a kimchi stew he had in the fridge. He said me visiting his place is too sudden, as if I was the one who insisted, right? But I didn't mind. Not at all when he’s all smiles running around his kitchen._

_After dinner, we were on his living room floor, Nora sleeping sound on my lap and some old independent film is playing on the television, I asked him something. Because I’m someone who’s messed up and don't deserve to feel happy like this, I just had to ask. I asked him why._

_Jaebum simply smiled, a little bit too widely that I got offended so I said never mind, he can forget that I ask. Of course, as usual, I meant nothing and is nothing but a laughing stock._

Mark would never want any of his friend get hurt. Especially someone like Jinyoung. Jinyoung is vulnerable, hurting and sensitive. And this is exactly why he hates reading about Jinyoung opening up his walls for Jaebum. A guy who doesn't understand Jinyoung doesn't deserve him.

_I was stroking Nora’s fur, trying to distract myself from the embarrassment while internally cursing, hating myself for being yet another mess, when he took my hand—softly but firmly. His free hand went straight to my chin and in an instant, I felt his lips on mine._

_Moments later after letting go, he simply whispered: “This is why” and all of a sudden, I think I felt my heart beating again._

_-Jinyoung_

And in that moment, Mark felt his own heart crushing. It was only then when he realized why he hated it so much—Jinyoung being too close to Jaebum. He hates it because it’s not him. He hates it because all he wanted is to make Jinyoung feel better and Jaebum is the one doing it.

Because maybe, just maybe, Mark likes Jinyoung.

 

***

 

Youngjae is a cheerful person. He has a bright smile and a contagious laugh. If you don’t know his life story, you’ll think that he has everything in life. He looks like someone who doesn’t have any problems at all.

If you know Youngjae’s life story, you’ll think twice.

He was born with ailments in his kidneys. For years he struggled, struggled a lot for that matter. It was only when he’s twenty that he finally went through a kidney transplant, which was successful. He no longer had troubles in his kidney. His regular trips to the hospital have come to an end.

So he thought.

In less than a year, his trips came back. Maybe his body misses the hospital. But this time, it’s not about his kidneys. It’s in his brain. He’s having severe headaches, nausea and vomiting.

He was in pain but he never got admitted to the hospital. He didn’t want to. He felt like getting admitted means he’s surrendering, acknowledging whatever disease he has. And he didn’t want that. He had enough of that. So he’s in denial.

By the time, he got admitted—he bumped his head on the tub because of a seizure and was found unconscious by his mother—it’s too late.

So, so late.

He was diagnosed with Central Nervous System Lymphomas. After the kidney transplant, the medicines he took made his immune system weak and cancer cells developed in his brain.

He was devastated. All his life he battled, struggled just to be alive. He was just starting to live his life with no boundaries and, all of a sudden, all his hopes are thinning down. He wanted to give up.

But seeing his family, his mother most especially, asking for second, third opinions—all leads to the same thing, looking for the best hospital, searching for the right treatment—just struggling to make him alive, he just know he can’t quit. He will never quit.

So he fought. They fought. They risked all their time and money for the treatment—radiation and chemotherapy. Along with a lot of hopes and prayers, about two years later, he was cancer free. He lived. At twenty-four, his new life has started.

But life isn’t always beautiful. At times, it’s cruel; it’s evil. Two years later, the symptoms are slowly coming back. It started as simple headaches, the ones you can sleep off or fight with paracetamol. But it got worse; each day it did. And Youngjae didn’t want to risk it anymore. This time, he went to the hospital as soon as his headaches are unbearable.

His life story is one straight out of a dramatic soap opera or an award-winning drama film—it’s almost too unrealistic. But it is. It is real and it’s fucked up. It’s devastating yet, amidst all, Youngjae is still smiling. Why and how he can do that is still a mystery to many.

It’s been a week since he got admitted at the hospital. The doctors are observing him while waiting for the results of his tests.

As usual, Youngjae takes a stroll around the hospital as soon as he wakes up. He’s been around in this hospital for quite some time now that he had already created his little routine.

After walking around, he went to the emergency’s nurse desk knowing very well that his best friends are there. He has known Mark and Jackson since they were in high school. Jackson was his closest friend and even though Mark is from another school, they did become friends eventually because when there’s Jackson, there’s Mark.

Youngjae ran to the two as soon as he saw them, throwing both his arms around them when he reached them.

“Hey, you two!” Youngjae greeted, pulling them in by their necks. “You went out for a drink and didn’t invite me!”

“How did you know that we went out?” Jackson groans, trying to get away from Youngjae’s arm.

“You’re not allowed to go out.” Mark mumbles.

Youngjae chuckled before letting go of the two.

“The nurses told me.” Youngjae answered. “And you could’ve have just drank in my room, at least to keep me company.”

Mark shrugged. “It was Jackson’s idea.”

Jackson gasped in betrayal. “And you went with me!”

Youngjae chuckled again. “Forget it. Just do it tonight! I’m craving for tteokboki and sundae!”

Jackson pats Youngjae’s head like a kid. “Okay, then, sundae for dinner!”

“But for now,” Youngjae mumbles. “I need you to go with me at Dr. Han’s.”

Jackson and Mark exchanged looks, obviously worried.

“The results of the tests are out.” Youngjae continued, as if to answer the looks of his friends. “You know she won’t tell me what the results are if I’m alone.”

“Where are your parents?” Jackson asked.

“You didn’t tell them.” Mark answered before Youngjae could.

Youngjae smiled in guilt before turning his back on his friends, walking to the direction of Dr. Han’s room. Jackson and Mark quickly follow.

“It’s my sister’s birthday.” Youngjae said when the two has caught up his pace. “I just don’t want to ruin their fun.”

“You don’t know that yet.” Jackson said.

Youngjae smiles weakly. They’re in front of the room now.

“We’ll see.” Youngjae says before knocking at the door.

 

 

Beer cans, empty and unopened, are scattered on the floor; sundae and tteokboki, now cold, is on top of a stool as silence envelopes the three friends.

“Come on, guys.” Youngjae mumbles, a smile forming in his lips. “You look like I’m dying—oh wait, I am.”

Jackson took his wooden chopsticks, leaned closer to Youngjae to slap him on the shoulder but with little to no force at all, he’s too exhausted.

Youngjae chuckles weakly. “We’ve all expected this. It’s pointless to be sad.” His chuckle and smile fades as he finishes.

His CNS Lymphoma relapsed. Stronger and more malignant than before.

“Six months.” Youngjae mumbles, remembering Dr. Han’s words. “That’s not too short, is it? I can still enjoy and live life to the fullest like in the movies.”

Mark scoffed, reaching for a can of beer and opening it.

“Yeah.” Mark agrees, handing the can to Youngjae. “Go and make the most out of it.”

“Hey! You’re not allowed to drink!” Jackson protested, trying to snatch the beer but Youngjae was quicker getting it, gulping it in before Jackson can take it away.

“Oh God, I missed that.” Youngjae groans after taking a big gulp. “I haven’t had beer for four months!”

“You’re killing yourself.” Jackson commented taking a can for himself.

Youngjae just gave him a look before reaching for a slice of sundae, throwing it in his mouth then munches it with a smile.

“When are you going to tell your family?” Mark asks, eating a piece of tteokboki. “You know Dr. Han is going to tell them anyway, right?”

“I told her to let me do that.” Youngjae replied. “I used my six-months-left card and she agreed.”

Mark shakes his head while Jackson couldn’t help a chuckle come out of his mouth.

Youngjae laughs along too.

“Six months. How does that even work?” Youngjae asks. “What day is it today? The 16th? So, does that means six months from today I just don’t wake up?”

It’s a ridiculous question. Both Mark and Jackson knows that but they let Youngjae get lost in the question.

Youngjae suddenly laughs, a little bit too dry that it sounded weak, sad even.

“Why are you quiet? Is this how you two going to be after six months?” Youngjae teased them throwing his arms over them.

Mark scoffed. “I’d probably be alone here in six months.”

Youngjae slowly lets go of the two, throwing Jackson a look to which the latter answered by looking away.

“I meant, you’re going to be fine, Youngjae. You’ll get better and I’ll kick you out of this hospital myself.” Mark mumbles. “And, Jackson’s about to leave for Hong Kong too while I’m here left at the emergency room. All’s great.”

Mark’s voice sounded so tensed and bitter which made Jackson flinch.

“You said I should take it.” Jackson mumbles.

“You should!” Mark replied. “It is totally okay to leave your best friend rotting in this hospital while you go chase your dreams.”

“You’re a fucking liar.” Jackson accused, standing then turning to Mark. “You said it’s fine.”

“Hey, guys, stop.” Youngjae tried to keep Jackson in his place but he’s too weak and Jackson’s too big for him.

“I said you should take it.” Mark mumbles as he stands up, knowing very well that staying here will just end up with a violent argument and he just can’t give that stress to Youngjae.

“But I never said I’m okay.”

***

 

It’s been a week since Mark and Jackson last talked. It’s safe to say that the whole emergency room crew is quite aware about it and are pretty much worried. But Mark doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if people talk behind their backs, gossip about them.

He’s being selfish. It’s a good opportunity and he knows very well that it has always been Jackson’s dream to work for a sports team. He knows Jackson hasn’t forgotten about his dreams of being an athlete and being part of a sports medical team is nothing but a consolation but it still works for him.

He’s definitely selfish but truth is, Mark is scared. Mark is scared he’s going to lose Jackson like how he lost his father. It feels like he’s losing another big part of himself and he can’t afford that.

Then the sudden news about Youngjae just came up too and Mark just doesn’t know what to do. He’s losing his friends and he can’t do anything about it.

Mark slumps himself in his bed, Jinyoung’s journal in hand. These days when he feels like he has no one, Jinyoung has been his company.

Is it possible to like someone you, technically, don't know? It should be. It’s like getting attracted to a fictional character. Some people do fall in love with characters, right?

Mark knows it is different though. Mark knows it’s more than attraction and admiration. Mark likes every single thing about Jinyoung—all of his flaws that make him perfect. He loves how Jinyoung expresses himself, no matter how dark and sad his thoughts are.

It’s insanity, people will laugh at him if anyone finds out he likes someone he doesn't know. But it’s something only Mark can understand. Only his heart can feel.

Jinyoung’s days are getting better these days. Most of his entries are him hanging out with Jaebum and, even though Mark still hates Jaebum’s gut, he still feels happy. He feels good that Jinyoung is feeling better. It seems like Jaebum is a good distraction.

It seems.

_Day 50_

_Today I live for doorbells._

_I spent the whole day staring at the ceiling, just staring at it wondering when will this end. When will my suffering end? When will my pain end? When will I be happy? Will I ever be happy?_

_Happy. Happiness. That’s something I can’t ever have, right?_

Mark’s heart crushes as he reads.

“Your pain and your suffering will end and you will be happy.” Mark frustratingly mumbles, hoping Jinyoung can hear him. He just wanted to tell those words to Jinyoung so much, wrap his arms around him, make him warm, comfort him—tell him that everything is going to be okay. If he can, he’ll hold his hand and never let it go.

But he can’t do any of that. All he can do is read about his pain, word for word, while silently hoping that he didn’t do it today. That he didn't end it today.

_I will never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy._

_So why do I have to suffer? Why wait for something that will never happen when I can just end it?_

_Yes. That’s it. That’s all I need to do. Maybe, I can’t be happy, but I can end this. That I can do._

Mark closed the book and clutched it in his chest. His heart is beating too fast, it’s racing in worry. He clutched it closer to his chest hoping it can save Jinyoung. Hoping he can hear his heartbeat and just realize there are other ways of looking for happiness.

“Where the fuck are you Jaebum when he needs you?”

_I can’t remember exactly what happened next except for a loud thug followed by the sound of glass shattering._

_I looked down and there I found it: a glimmer of hope. Shining and inviting me._

_I knelt down and took a piece. As if my hands know exactly what it’s supposed to do, I gripped the piece tightly and then... I don’t even know. I think I should be hurt but I don’t feel any pain. This is it. This is the end of the pain._

_And then I heard my doorbell ring. It rang once, twice, thrice then there’s banging. Someone is banging on my door, pleading me to open it._

_The loud thud on my door felt like an alarm waking me up and then suddenly I felt pain, stinging pain in my wrist._

_I wanted to open the door. To let him in but I can’t. I’m too tired. I’m too exhausted. My eyes are shutting._

_Next thing I knew, I woke up from too much brightness and the strong smell of ethanol. Without much thought, I just know exactly where I am. It’s too familiar not to notice. I’m at a hospital._

_I looked around and found Jaebum. I may have startled him because he practically threw himself at me when our eyes met._

_He told me about what happened. I’ve been locked in my place for three days. I didn’t go to work and I wasn’t answering anyone’s calls and texts—not even his so he got worried. He went to my place and when I didn’t open the door, he just got more worried. He called the landlord and asked to open my room only to find me in my kitchen floor, with a broken glass beside me. My wrist needing medical attention._

_It was awful and I was too embarrassed that he witnessed it but none of it matters because Jaebum’s warm hands are in mine, holding me tightly and comforting me as if telling me everything is going to be all right._

_-Jinyoung_

Mark hates Jaebum for being there. For being the one holding Jinyoung’s hand, for being there to watch sad movies with Jinyoung. For being the one to spend quiet afternoons with Jinyoung doing nothing but reading boring books. He hated Jaebum simply for being there with Jinyoung when he’s happy.

But for once, Mark is thankful Jaebum is there. He’s grateful Jaebum is there to tell Jinyoung it’s going to be better.

 

 


	2. Part 2

Mark just got out of the emergency room after treating a man’s arm injury—nothing too serious, but not something to let go either.

The man apparently was playing with his daughter in the play park when something went wrong and the seesaw collapsed. The man threw himself at it before the metal hits his daughter. Mark never really cared much about patients’ stories but the assisting nurses, Bambam and Yugyeom—both young and new to their jobs—are talking too loud.

Mark gave the two final instructions for the man before leaving the room. He was stretching his arms out, tired for almost an hour attending to the injury, when a little girl ran towards him, crying.

The girl hit his stomach a bit too hard that Mark wondered it that's the reason why she’s crying.

Mark let the little girl cry for a while before kneeling down in front of her, massaging her arms as if to make her stop crying.

“Hey, little girl,” Mark says softly. “What’s wrong? Are you hurting somewhere?”

The girl’s cry grew louder and Mark shush her. “Okay, now, calm down. I can’t help you if I don't know what’s wrong.”

The girl takes deep breaths. “Mister Doctor… Mister Doctor…” the girl murmurs in between tears. “My dada… my dada is hurt because of me… can you cure him?”

It was only then that Mark realized, by how messy the girl’s hair is and by the smell of grass in her clothes, that this girl is the man’s daughter.

Mark smiled, stroking the little girl’s arms. “Don’t worry, little girl. Your dada is okay now. Doctor cured him.”

“Really?” The girl’s eyes beamed wide with joy. “Thank you, Doctor!”

The girl then put his arms around Mark’s neck, pulling him in a hug. Mark was taken aback, definitely flustered by a kid’s affection, but he simply let her do it.

“Sora!” A woman called that made the little girl jump in surprise, quickly letting go of Mark as if she’s caught doing something bad.

“Sora.” The woman repeated. She’s now in front of Mark and the little girl.

“Mama!” The girl, Sora, cried as she throws herself to her mother.

“I’m so sorry, Doctor. She didn't mean to bother you.” The woman bowed her head, apologizing to Mark. “She just wanted to see her father.”

“It’s okay, Ma’am. She’s cute, actually.” Mark winked at Sora, patting her head. “And don't worry, your husband is okay now. The nurses are just finalizing his cast. Two weeks more and we can take it off.”

The woman’s eyes brighten. “Thank you, thank you so much, Doctor!”

“Mama, Mama!” The little girl asks for he mom’s attention. “Dada is better! Mister Doctor made him better!”

The woman gently shushes her daughter as she bows at Mark again, turning around afterwards.

Mark watches the pair as they walk away. His heart feeling warm and light. Sometimes, little recognition like this still makes him feel better.

“Mark? Mark!”

A familiar voice pulls Mark from his thoughts. He turned around and found Youngjae’s mother a few steps away, talking to Jackson.

Mark politely bows before walking to the two, avoiding all eye contact with Jackson.

Mrs. Choi wrapped her arms around Mark as soon as he came closer.

“Mark, my dear,” Mrs. Choi mumbles as she lets go of Mark. “Eat your meals on time, you’re getting too skinny. He does, right, Jackson?”

“Yeah.” Was all Jackson could say, caught off guard and feeling awkward.

“I’m eating my meals, Mother.” Mark politely said. “Are you here to visit Youngjae?”

“That kid.” Mrs. Choi said. “He didn't even tell me that the results of the tests are out. If I didn't get a call from Dr. Han, I wouldn't even know.”

Both Mark and Jackson were mummed, neither of them knows how to react.

“How was it? Did Youngjae or Dr. Han tell you about the results?” Mrs. Choi asks, the fear and promise in her eyes is heart wrenching.

Mark and Jackson exchanged looks, forgetting for a while that this is the first time they’ve locked eyes in a week, the first time they’ve been this close.

Mark takes Mrs. Choi’s hands in his, keeping it warm to comfort her.

“I think we should go ask Youngjae, Mother.” Mark mumbles as he ushers Mrs. Choi to the direction of Youngjae’s room, Jackson following a step behind them.

Jackson took the liberty to knock, immediately opening Youngjae’s door when they got to his room.

“Youngjae?” Jackson calls as he steps in only to find Youngjae, sitting in the bed, busy playing on his phone while munching chips.

“Youngjae.” Jackson repeated, his voice louder and more urgency to get his attention. “Your mom is here.”

“Huh?” Youngjae didn't hear it at first but seeing his mom when he looked up is enough to get his full attention.

“Mom!” Youngjae called, standing up from the bed and walking to his mom. “What are you doing here?”

Mrs. Choi quickly slapped him on his shoulder. “What am I doing here? Huh?” she says as she continues to slap his son, Mark and Jackson trying to stop her.

“Dr. Han called me. The results are out and you didn't even tell me.” Mrs. Choi said.

“That hurts!” Youngjae whined. “I just… it was Youngji’s birthday and I didn't want to spoil your fun. Ouch!”

Mrs. Choi’s slaps turn soft and then all of a sudden, she’s embracing Youngjae and tears are falling down her cheeks.

“My poor baby,” Mrs. Choi says putting Youngjae’s face in between her palms. “Tell me what happened. Tell me, my dear.”

Jackson and Mark stepped out of the room to give the two a moment alone.

Youngjae gave his mom a weak and sad smile and Mrs. Choi’s heart just break into pieces knowing exactly what it is. They’re back at square one. Just when they thought the dark days are over, here they are starting all over again.

Mrs. Choi has always been there for Youngjae, since day one and every single day after. She felt her knees weak, she almost felt like giving up. It’s just too much to handle.

But she felt Youngjae’s arms around her, hugging her back. He buried his head on his mom’s shoulders as he starts crying.

Mrs. Choi’s heart breaks even more but she can’t give up. She can’t give up her son.

 

***

 

Mark has been spending all of his breaks alone in the quarters these days. Youngjae is busy with his treatments and doctor appointments. Youngjae may have accepted the six months he’s given but his family is far from giving up.

Mark hasn't made up with Jackson yet. He just can’t make up with him when he’s not even in terms with the whole situation.

So, he spends his time alone, reading Jinyoung’s entries. He’d like to think Jinyoung is accompanying him in his loneliness but it’s not the case. If so, he just felt even more alone.

Since Jinyoung’s last breakdown, Jaebum asked Jinyoung to move in with him. It wasn't even a question, Jinyoung was given no choice. After getting discharged from the hospital, Jaebum drove Jinyoung to his home instead of the latter’s place. Jinyoung didn't argue, truth is, he doesn't know either what he can do if he’s alone.

He didn't use to care. In fact, that’s something he has always wanted to do. But now, with Jaebum, Jinyoung has a whole new reason to live.

It’s refreshing to read, knowing that Jinyoung is off to a new a start, slowly picking himself up, piece by piece. But there is still a tiny bit of pain in Mark’s heart, he still hopes he can do the same for Jinyoung.

_Day 75_

_Today I live for sounds_

_I woke up this morning and there was dead silence. There’s no sound of my clock ticking. There’s no sound from the television. There’s no gushing sound from the fans._

_And I got scared, anxious._

_So instead of getting up, I shut my eyes and curled myself in bed. I didn’t know why. I’m typically a quiet person but this is the first time I got scared of silence. The dead silence felt like it’s screaming to my ear how alone and lonely I am and I hated it._

_I hated it but I didn’t know what to do._

_I was curled in bed, crying when I suddenly heard something._

_A bird chirping. It was soft and yet so sweet. It’s raw and yet so melodic. Then there were two birds. It’s weird but they sounded like they’re talking to each other._

_I didn’t know what they’re talking about but with every chirp, I felt my heart beating._

_Then all of I sudden, I heard the gushing sound of the wind. The clock started ticking again._

_Suddenly, from outside the room, I heard someone humming. It’s a melody my ears don’t recognize but my heart does._

_Tears stopped falling on my cheeks when I realized whose voice it was._

_I broke into a smile. It’s Jaebum’s and he’s something I will always live for._

_It’s a gentle hum knowing I’m calmly tucked in bed. It’s a soft a hum knowing I’m with him._

_I won’t let that hum fade. I have to live to hear that gentle hum._

_-Jinyoung_

Mark closed the journal and let his head fall back on the chair. It’s his evening break and he’s alone in their quarters.

He closed his eyes thinking about how wonderful it is to be someone’s reason to live; how wonderful it is to be the person you love’s sole reason to live.

Mark was pulled from his thoughts when the door suddenly swings open.

“Shit, sorry.” Jackson cursed as soon as he saw his best friend in the bunk bed. “I didn't know you’re here.”

Before Mark could even react, Jackson went dashing out the room when half of his body hasn't even been inside.

Mark took an exasperated breath as he straightens his back. He ruffles his hair aggressively before kicking himself off the chair.

This is crazy and totally immature. He can’t believe they are treating each other like this. The last time Mark and Jackson got into a fight like this was when they were twenty-one, a petty fight over something he can’t even remember.

But they are not young anymore. They are adults and adults work things out. Maybe he still can’t accept Jackson leaving him. Maybe he still feels bad about it. Maybe he wants to keep his best friend to himself.

But it’s not fair for the both of them to be like this. In the end, no matter how heavy he feels, Mark still misses Jackson. He misses his best friend.

Mark walks out of the room, determined to look for Jackson. He probably went to goof around the nurses or something.

Mark opened the door and there he was, leaning on the wall, his hands on his pockets. It’s quite a sight, Mark thought. It was as if he felt his heart flutter. Well, he definitely did. He just can’t tell if it’s because of how gorgeous Jackson looks or the fact that he’s waiting for him.

“Hey,” Mark greeted crossing the hallway, leaning back on the wall so he’s facing Jackson.

Jackson looks up at Mark, a bit surprised but somehow expectant. “Hey.”

Silence came after. Long dreading silence that’s both deafeningly awkward and comforting.

They were standing in silence when a group of girls in their teens, obviously visitors, passed by giggling and taking glances at them. They were basically squealing but in whispers.

Neither of Mark nor Jackson cared until one of the girls looks back and tripped.

The two older guys leaned off the wall in reflex but before they can even get in the center, the group of girls dash off looking redder than they were earlier.

Mark and Jackson were left in the center, about two feet away from each other, totally clueless.

They exchanged looks before bursting into laughter. It wasn't really that funny, in fact, it’s not funny at all. But their laughter is not for something fun but it’s more for themselves, for how dumb and immature they were in the past days.

They spent about a minute or two just laughing before Mark straightened his back and put his arm around Jackson’s shoulder.

“Let’s go get something to drink and visit Youngjae.”

Jackson gave Mark a smile, which makes Mark smile too, before putting his arm around his best friend’s.

“So, how is he?” Jackson asks as they walk to Youngjae’s room.

“Who?” Mark asks back. “Youngjae?”

“Nah. That guy.” Jackson nods at the book clutched on under Mark’s arm. “J-Jinyoung?”

“Oh.” It was only then that Mark realizes he’s still holding the journal.

“Is he getting better?” Jackson asks.

“I hope he does.” Mark thinks before a proud smile flash in his face. “He does.”

Jackson smiles too. “You’re into it that much, huh?”

“What do you mean?” Mark asks.

“I mean, I didn't know you’ll get hooked about someone else’s life. You work in a hospital, exposed to lots of people with different stories in life; all of them battling life and death but you never got interest.” Jackson pointed out. “That guy, Jinyoung, is just like everyone else—“

“He’s not like everyone else.” Mark cut him off. “He’s different. He’s hurting and yet he’s striving to survive everyday.”

“See.” Jackson grins. “You’re hooked.”

Mark shakes his head. “Maybe I like him.”

“What?”

Jackson’s voice echoed in the empty corridor. Aside from his voice, it’s totally quiet and for a second, Jackson is afraid someone might hear his heart breaking.

“You’re overreacting—“ Mark turns and found Jackson a few steps behind. “Totally overreacting.”

“You don’t know him.” Jackson said. “You just know him through that book.”

“Stop overreacting as if you’re not in love with Hermione Granger.” Mark mumbles turning ahead to continue walking.

“That’s different!” Jackson said following Mark’s steps. “ _She’s_ Emma Watson!”

Mark just shrugged letting Jackson lag behind.

“Mark,” Jackson mumbles as he stops Mark by grabbing his arm. They are now in front of Youngjae’s room.

Mark lazily turns to him. “What?”

“You’re not serious, right?” Jackson asks but it sounds like he’s pleading.

There’s barely a foot between them and Mark is staring right into Jackson’s eyes. He likes Jinyoung, he’s sure about that but somehow, in front of Jackson, he can’t tell anymore.

The heavens—or whoever that is behind the door—must be on Mark’s side because in a split second, the door slides open and Dr. Han greeted the two, worry is painted in her face.

Maybe it’s not the heavens that’s on his side.

She looked around, examining the two. “Youngjae’s not with you?”

Mark and Jackson shake their heads at the same time.

“He’s not here?” Jackson said getting inside the room as if to make sure.

“Damn it!” Dr. Han groaned. Her feisty personality is always a surprise to her petite figure. “He’s not in the bathroom, he’s not in the park, I’ve checked every vending machine around and he’s not here, he’s no—“

“Soojung.” Mark mumbles as he takes the female doctor by her arms, trying to calm her down which worked but not because of his touch but with him calling her by her first name.

Dr. Han is a young doctor, just around the same age as Mark and Jackson. She’s a friend of Mark and Jackson’s since their college days. Youngjae is her first patient and the fact that he’s a friend of the two and with Youngjae’s warm personality, they easily became friends. Her worry isn’t just about her patient missing but more about her friend out of sight.

Jackson walks back to the door to usher Soojung inside.

“What happened?” Jackson asks once she is seated on the couch beside Youngjae’s bed.

Soojung took a deep, frustrated—almost angry sigh before speaking. “We have a scheduled appointment this afternoon but he didn't show up. Well, nothing new there because he does that a lot, especially since the relapse.” She sighed, again.

“But anyway,” she continued. “Normally, he’ll show up hours later. Apparently, his conscience tells him he actually has to go do stuff but this time, he didn't. The appointment was at six in the evening, it’s been four hours.”

“Did you ask the nurses?” Jackson asked.

“Of course, Jackson.” Soojung rolled her eyes. “I’m not stupid and I won’t react this way if it’s not serious.”

“Serious? What do you mean serious?” Mark asked sensing a different kind of seriousness in Soojung voice.

Soojung took a deep breath; tired and hopeless.

“I don't know.” She admitted. “I just… I don’t feel good about this. You know him, so much more than I do and there’s something different about him right now. It’s like… it’s like he doesn't want it anymore.”

Mark and Jackson were mummed. Guilt flushing through their bodies. They both became too preoccupied with their childish issues in the past week that they haven’t really spent much time with Youngjae. A dumb thing to do when you just know your friend is not well.

“I’m scared. I can’t. N-no.” Soojung chokes up. She buried her face in her palms, hiding her tears.

“I can’t lose him.”

 

“Did you try calling his family?” Jackson asked.

Jackson, Mark and Soojung are back on Youngjae’s room after spending the whole night looking for Youngjae. It’s already dawn and they still haven’t seen him.

Soojung shakes her head. “I can’t tell his mom. She’s going to freak out.”

“Do you think he went out of the hospital?” Jackson asked earning a sharp look from Soojung.

“He can’t get out without getting discharged.” Mark replies.

“He’s just here.” Soojung mumbles. “I’m sure he’s just here somewhere.”

Jackson took a deep breath after looking at his watch. “One more round and Soojung, you should go home, okay? My shift ends in before noon, I’ll look for him while you’re gone.” Jackson turns to Mark. “You too, Mark. Go get some sleep.”

Soojung, for a while, looks like she’s about to protest but Jackson is right. Her shift and clinic hours starts in a couple hours and she needs to get home too, at least, to wash up and change into fresh clothes.

Soojung nodded before walking away, checking once again at the park.

Mark and Jackson stayed in the room, thinking where else did they miss; where else could Youngjae be staying in overnight.

Mark’s eyes widened, suddenly remembering something. “The roof deck. We haven’t checked the roof deck.”

Jackson didn't say anything and went out of the room, straight to the elevator with Mark quickly following behind him.

“He has to be there.” Jackson murmurs.

About two minutes of elevator ride and another three climbing up the stairs, the two arrived at the hospital’s roof deck with Jackson leading.

Jackson pushed the door aggressively, adrenaline rush and worry are responsible for his force.

It took Jackson less than a minute to scan the place to find Youngjae—sitting on the stone ledge, one wrong move and he’ll fall straight down. Amidst the height and danger, Youngjae is surprisingly calm. A bit too calm that both Mark and Jackson felt nervous. Jackson felt a pit on his stomach and Mark’s hands felt cold.

Mark took his phone from his pocket to send Soojung a text while Jackson quietly walks to Youngjae, not wanting to scare him.

Jackson was the one who got scared though after Youngjae turned to him, giving him a warm smile.

“Hey,” Youngjae greeted.

Jackson was caught off guard and didn't know what to do. It was Mark who approached Youngjae first. He climbed on to the ledge and sat next to Youngjae.

Jackson wanted to pull Mark away—he can’t afford to have both of his best friends almost falling off this building—but Mark is already comfortably sitting on the ledge, swaying his legs. Jackson just shakes his head and walks near the two, leaning his back on the edge because he’s not as crazy as the other two.

They stayed quiet for a while, just inhaling the morning breeze. Mark and Youngjae are watching the quiet city as the sun slowly lights it up. Jackson, on the other hand, is calmly looking up at the sky.

“How do guys deal with it?” Youngjae asks.

“Deal with what?” Jackson turns around so he’s leaning in the ledge with his arms.

“With death.” Youngjae murmurs. “I mean, in your work, it’s not too uncommon.”

Jackson was taken aback by the question but Mark looks like it’s a question he gets often, like it’s something he’s prepared to answer.

“You just get used to it.” Mark answers after a moment of silence. “It happens over and over again that you get numb. I accepted the fact that maybe I just can’t save everyone.”

Jackson looked at Mark with disbelief. He wanted to hit him hard in the head. What was he thinking? It’s not what Youngjae needed to hear.

Youngjae turned to Jackson, pulling him from his thoughts. “Is it the same for you? Are numb too?”

“Huh? I, uh...” Jackson trailed off, nothing knowing what to answer because, no matter how awful it sounds, Mark’s answer has some truth in it.

“It does feel exhausting.” Jackson speaks after thinking for a while. “But sometimes, a child’s cry is too heart-wrenching and a wife’s silence is unbearable that you just strive more. No matter how hard, you just try. In the end, it’s easier to accept if you know you tried your best.”

“I hope they do that too.” Youngjae said. “My family. I hope they accept it too. Whatever happens, I hope they accept it and continue with their lives. Because mine is the only one lost, not theirs.”

“We’re not losing you, Youngjae.” Jackson assured while Mark gives him a look with a mix of anger and sadness.

Youngjae chuckled. “How are you so sure about that?”

Jackson was mummed.

“This used to be my secret hideout but I guess it’s not a secret anymore.” Youngjae chuckles, ignoring Jackson’s failure to answer. “Do you know why I always go here?”

Neither Mark nor Jackson said a word.

“It’s so liberating up here.” Youngjae continued. “Down below, it’s just nothing but problems, pain and suffering. We wake up each day just to solve problems, just to struggle.”

“But here, it’s like nothing else matters. It’s like I am somewhere, in an alternative universe of some sort, where there’s no pain.”

Youngjae paused for a moment as the sun continues rise.

“And then I get to this very edge.” Youngjae eventually continues. “And I feel free. I look at the sky and it’s so promising. It’s calm and serene. It’s inviting.”

Mark grabs Youngjae’s arm in reflex, gripping it hard as if to stop him from doing something. Jackson’s eyes widened and his whole body tensed.

Youngjae smiles holding Mark’s hand. “Don’t worry. I won’t do it.”

“I did think about it, though.” Youngjae admitted slowly letting go of Mark’s hand. “A lot of times, actually.” He looks down as if embarrassed.

“But every time I’ll stand here and look down, I’ll see my mom’s face.” Youngjae chokes up. “And she’s smiling. I know she’s hurt, I know she’s tired—exhausted but she’s smiling.”

Youngjae turns to Mark. “How can I leave that smile?” Tears are falling down his cheeks but he’s hiding it with his bright smile.

Mark moved his hand from Youngjae’s arm to his shoulder, holding it firmly. Mark smiles proudly at his friend.

Mark stood on the ledge—making Jackson pale in worry—and giving Youngjae a hand. Youngjae took his hand and stood in an instant. They smiled at each other for a while before climbing down the ledge, finally letting Jackson breathe.

“I don’t care if runaway to some secret hideout but please, just don’t leave us.” Jackson mumbles as he wraps an arm around Youngjae’s neck and pulled him to his side.

“Choi Youngjae!” Soojung screams as soon as she opens the roof deck’s door, running to the three guys as soon as she saw them.

“I think you should consider Soojung as motivation too.” Jackson whispers as he lets go of Youngjae. “Her rage, at least.”

Youngjae gave Jackson a confused look and was about to ask him what he means when Soojung suddenly hugged him.

Youngjae gave Mark and Jackson wide-eyed looks but the two were just as surprised as him. Well, after seeing her all worried and frantic looking for Youngjae the whole night, this is something not so surprising but they weren’t expecting the sudden contact either.

“Dr. Ha—Soojungie,” Youngjae softly mumbles as he looks down at Soojung.

He was about to pat her back when Soojung suddenly lets him go, pulling him away aggressively, which confused Youngjae even more.

“Hey, what is wrong with you?” Youngjae asked.

“What is wrong?” Soojung echoed. “You’re asking what’s wrong? Huh? You were missing!” Soojung nags as she slaps Youngjae’s shoulder repeatedly with every word. “Do you know how worried I—we are? We went looking for you for the whole night! The whole night!”

“Hey, that hurts! I’m sick, okay!” Youngjae protested, shielding himself with his arms.

“I’m a doctor and slapping you won’t make you more sick, dummy!” Soojung continues the assault.

Youngjae gave Mark and Jackson a look. “I kind of need some help here, guys.”

Mark simply shrugged, chuckling.

“You kind of deserve that, bro.” Jackson puts his hands on his pockets.

Youngjae groaned, straightening his body.

“I thought _I_ lost you!” Soojung said.

Soojung’s hits turn softer as she tries to stop herself from crying, not wanting Youngjae to see her cry. Which she failed because Youngjae saw how her eyes glisten with tears and a sudden guilt and pain rush through his body.

Youngjae grabbed both of Soojung’s hands in one swift move, staring straight at her eyes as he speaks. “You won’t lose me. I’ll always be here.”

 

***

 

_Day 121_

_Today I live for hugs._

_Jaebum and I have been living together for a couple of months now. For the first time in a really long time, I am happy._

_I smile more often, I laugh, heck, I even sing. Jaebum loves music and I just found myself singing along with the melodies he plays._

_I’m getting more sleep. I’m more cheerful at work. It’s all because of Jaebum. Because he stays. He makes me feel better—that everything is going to be okay._

_That I am enough._

_But I don't deserve this._

_I don't deserve to be happy._

_I don't deserve Jaebum. I can’t let Jaebum be part of the mess that is my life. He deserves better. I am okay now—we’re okay now but, sooner or later, I’m going to mess up. Like I always do._

_Things will go back to being wrong because that’s what I am._

_I am a failure._

_I’m nothing but a failure and staying in this relationship is just postponing the pain. I can’t afford to hurt Jaebum. I can’t afford to destroy his life. I can’t._

_Before it gets too late, I have to let go. I have to let go now._

_So, I packed my bags, late at night. I hate goodbyes and, honestly, I can’t face him. I can’t leave with him seeing me because I know that he’ll stop me and if he did, I know I’ll end up staying with him._

_I’m ready, I can still go back to my old place anyway._

_I walked out of our—his room with my bags, careful not to wake him up. I couldn't even take a last glance because I know that doing so will make me cry._

_I was in front of the door and I was struggling to unlock the door. Looks like my hand is involuntarily keeping me from leaving._

_But I still tried to unlock the door, each time is failing to unlock it._

_After a couple of tries, I finally did it. The door is unlocked. I can now leave this apartment and let go of Jaebum. Forever. There will be no turning back, nothing. I’m going to continue my life; the way it used to be without Jaebum._

_My heart sank as tears fall down my cheeks. I can’t breathe. My chest is hurting too much._

_I clutched my chest as if to stop it from hurting as my other hand took the knob. I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t._

_As the knob clicks after I twisted it, I felt Jaebum’s arms around me._

_He didn't say anything. His embrace just gets tighter and warmer with his every breath._

_He planted a chaste kiss on my shoulder and buried his head in there. I could feel tears falling down in my back and my heart sank even more._

_Jaebum pulled me closer and hugged me even tighter, not wanting to let go._

_This is the worst decision in my life. I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life because we will just both end up hurt in the end._

_But when he whispered ‘don’t go’, how can I just leave him?_

_-Jinyoung_

Mark doesn't know what to feel. One moment, he reads about Jinyoung being hurt and in pain and he feels nothing but pain too. It breaks his heart knowing he can’t do anything—there’s absolutely nothing he can do to make Jinyoung feel better. Then, in the deepest, most desperate part of his heart and mind, all he wished is for Jaebum to be there; for Jaebum to tell Jinyoung the things he wanted to say and the things Jinyoung needed to hear.

When Jaebum does that, sometimes even better, Mark feels a weird feeling in his gut. It’s a mixture of jealousy and gratefulness. Jealousy because Mark would always want to make Jinyoung feel better and gratefulness because Jaebum is there.

People will think Mark is crazy and, maybe, he really is.

 

 

Mark is just walking out of their quarters when Jackson came.

“Hey, you’re already leaving?” Jackson asked.

Mark nodded, clutching the notebook in his bag when he saw Jackson eyeing it. “Yeah, it’s technically my off.”

“Great, wait for me. I’ll just change.” Jackson said getting inside the room.

Mark’s eyebrows furrow. “Did you adjust your schedule to mine again?”

Mark heard Jackson’s guilty chuckle and he can’t help but to just smile, shaking his head.

“Come on, Man. Didn't you miss your best friend?” Jackson asks when he got out of the room, opening his arms wide for a hug.

“Not really.” Mark replied, followed by laughter as he turns his back to Jackson.

Jackson whined before catching up Mark’s steps and throwing an arm around his shoulder when he reached him.

The pair walked quietly walks to exit the hospital, gaining a few nods from the other nurses and doctors and gushing of some patients.

“Hey,” Mark broke the silence.

“Hm?” Jackson absentmindedly mumbles.

“That Hong Kong t-thing,” Mark stutters a bit, the awkwardness affecting his speech. “You should go take it. Don't mind me.”

Mark thought about it. He has finally taken his head out of his ass and accepted the fact that he can’t keep Jackson from growing. That’s not how friends should be. Sure, he’s going to miss him. It’s going to be the first time, since they met each other, that they’re going to be away from each other for this long.

Jackson is his best friend, he wants nothing but the best for him and the best for him is to follow his dreams and grow to be the best that he can be.

Jackson was taken aback. He knows this is going to happen, they are going to talk about it sooner or later but he didn't expect it to be this soon. At least not when they just made up about two days ago.

Jackson continued walking, leaving Mark a step behind. “I’m not going to take it, Man.”

Mark sped up his steps to carry on Jackson’s, grabbing his arm when he reached him. “What are you talking about?”

Jackson made a face. “It’s not so important, you know? I liked it better here. Helping people in the emergency. I think this is my real calling.” He chuckles.

Mark’s grip softens. He hates it. He knows Jackson is only doing this because of him. He knows he’s giving way because he got mad. It hurts his pride knowing that Jackson is compromising his dreams because he was petty and immature. Yet, Mark’s heart sinks knowing Jackson is doing this for him. It hurts his heart that Jackson thinks about him over his own.

Mark took a deep breath and followed Jackson. They are now at the hospital’s back entrance, near the dumpster and the parking lot.

Mark walks past Jackson, walking straight to the small basketball court beside the parking lot.

“Are you in for a game?” Mark asks putting his bag down on the stone pavement.

Jackson looks at Mark in confusion. Mark replied with a toothy smile and, for a while, Jackson felt his heartbeat racing. It’s the smile that always sends weird feeling in his stomach.

“Come on, you don't want to play with your best friend anymore?” Mark pouts picking up the ball and dusting it off a bit.

Jackson shakes his head. It’s random but it’s been a long time since they’ve played so why not?

Mark threw the ball at Jackson as he enters the court. Jackson caught the ball in an instant as he follows Mark to the court, throwing the ball back at him. Mark caught the ball and, in one swift move, he crosses over Jackson and threw the ball in the ring making a perfect two-pointer.

“Let’s make a bet.” Mark mumbles as he got to his feet. He dribbles the ball as he turns to Jackson.

Jackson’s eyes light up in competitiveness, moving close to Mark. Mark swiftly moves away, defending the ball.

“First to ten. If you win,” Mark says shielding the ball with his body as he dribbles, making sure not to travel. “You won’t go to Hong Kong like you said.”

Jackson’s offense weakens hearing Mark’s words.

“And If I win,” Mark continues as he successfully walks free from Jackson, dribbling his way to the three-point lane. “You’ll go to Hong Kong.”

As soon as Marks sets foot on the lane, Mark turns around and, with enough calculation in his head, throws the ball in the ring—a perfect three point.

“And that’s five for me.” Mark grinned, getting to his feet.

Jackson catches the ball from below the ring, looking at Mark in disbelief. Mark and Jackson always loved playing basketball. Undeniably, with his built and athleticism, Jackson is way better than Mark. But it doesn't mean Mark is weak. Mark has his skills too and he has one thing that just gives him edge—competitiveness.

Jackson didn't know what to do. Ideally, he’ll play just like he used to. Chances are, he’ll win. Mark is good at basketball but he knows how passionate Jackson is for his athletic side so, more often than not, Mark lets Jackson win. Or he just plays a little less aggressive. Jackson is aware of that. It wasn't really much of an issue, it’s just a game anyway.

But this game is different. This bet is a lot different. It’s a forty-sixty game whenever the two play. Depending on their mood, one of them has always played less in favor of the other. But today, it’s different. With such an important bet and fueled competitiveness, this game easily becomes a fifty-fifty duel.

Mark wants to win this. He really does. Jackson is, however, stalling. He lazily dribbles the ball. He’s still under the basket and Mark is on the center of the court. He doesn't know what to do.

Mark has his hands on his waist, looking at Jackson straight in the eyes, waiting for him. He breaks into a wide cheeky grin and Jackson just knows. Mark wants to win.

 

 

8-8. Mark was able to close the gap with a three-point bucket. They’re both exhausted and panting. They’ve been playing for the past forty minutes—unlikely long for a ten-point game. Neither of them wants to lose but no one wants to win either.

The ball is with Mark now after Jackson threw a winning two-point shot but the ball didn't make it to the basket. Mark’s reflex was quicker for a rebound. That or Jackson is intentionally lagging.

“This is not how you play, Jackson.” Mark mumbles, taking his time to catch his breath. “Let’s play fair.”

Jackson is panting too, his hand on his waist as he catches his breath. For the record, he is playing fair. If there’s anything unfair in this game, it’s this bet. It leaves Jackson nothing. This bet is really nothing but letting him decide—will he accept the Hong Kong offer or will he stay with Mark. Both options can be a dead end or an end game. How can he make a choice?

Jackson took a deep breath, shaking his thoughts away. Mark’s lips turned into a smile knowing very well what Jackson is doing. He’s about play. For real.

Mark put his defenses up, meeting Jackson with his back when the latter came in to steal the ball from him.

Jackson successfully stole the ball, after a number of tries though. He stepped back, fooled Mark into burying a bucket before taking another step backward then he threw the ball into the ring.

Mark’s heart almost stopped beating. This will be it. Does he want Jackson to win this? Yes. He does. He really wants him to stay.

But Mark is still praying it’ll be a miss. He can’t be selfish anymore. He needs to win this bet. It’s the only way Jackson will go for his dream.

Mark hasn’t always been into prayers but the heavens must take a big favor in him because Jackson missed the shot. The ball hit the rim, then the glass, then back to rim before falling down without getting inside.

Mark’s chest jumped in relief, he would have laughed to tease Jackson first but he went straight for it, his heart filling up with adrenaline.

He jumped as high as he could to get the ball. But as soon as his feet reach the floor, Jackson is already lunging towards him, eager to snatch the ball.

Mark turned around, using his back as a shield. He took a step to the side, act as if he’s going to shoot the ball, only to distract Jackson and get him open.

Mark crosses over backwards, running away from the basket. He was ready to throw the ball but Jackson was quick to his senses so, Mark took another step back, reaching the other half of the court.

This is it. This is his final shot. It’s a risky shot. It’s too far and Jackson coming to him fast couldn’t get him to the right calculation. It’s a risk. If he fails this shot, Jackson would eventually take the ball, probably dunk it, and it’s a sure two-point to win the game.

But he has to make this shot. So he did. With all the luck and hope he can gather, he threw the ball just in time before Jackson reaches him.

Time went slow as the ball makes it way to the ring as Mark’s feet reaches the floor. For a second, he wondered if this is really what he wants. If this is what will make him happy; them happy.

And as if to answer his question, the ball went right in. A perfect half-court three-point.

Mark lost it when the ball went right in. It was an impossible shot; he wasn’t even expecting it’ll get in.

Mark screamed in joy as he throws himself at Jackson who, without thinking, accepts him in his arms. Jackson was screaming in joy too. Both of them lost in ecstasy and are forgetting what this win means.

Mark wrapped his legs around Jackson’s waist as the latter wraps his arms around his waist, it’s the perfect victory hug. They eventually locked eyes. At first there was nothing but giddiness then there was tension. A tension that neither of them can explain but for sure made their hearts racing in excitement. It’s a weird feeling, but no one wants to end it, rather, they just want to savor it.

But then they remember what this win means.

Mark wins. Jackson goes to Hong Kong.

 

***

 

_Day 148_

_Today... why am I still alive?_

_I should’ve died._

_No one wants me to be here. I don’t deserve to be here._

“No, no, no.” Mark pleads hoping Jinyoung can hear him. It scares him, frightens him. It’s happening again. Jinyoung is hurt again.

_I shouldn’t be here._

_I saw the look in her eyes—Jaebum’s mother—when she saw me here living with Jaebum. She doesn’t want me to be here. She doesn’t want her son to be in a relationship with me. She said it’s a sin._

_She screamed at me, called me names, cussed at me._

_Jaebum was tearing up, he had to drag her out of his apartment. They were shouting, screaming at each other._

_Funny how it all felt familiar. It’s like I’ve heard it all before._

_Oh, yes I did._

_She sounded just like her. Like my own mother. Suddenly, it all came back. All the pain I had growing up. I suddenly remembered how much my mother hate me. How she would always tell me that I’m useless. That I’m nothing but a mistake. I shouldn't have been born._

_I could still remember, very vividly, how she laughed when she found out I’m gay. It wasn't a laughter of joy. Rather, it’s laughter filled with hatred and disgust. She was ridiculing me._

_She said it is a disease. She said it is a curse. She told me how miserable I am. That I don't even deserve to live because of it._

_It hurts. My head hurts, my chest feels so tight._

_Jaebum came back in a few minutes later. Alone. He walked to me and knelt in front of me, apologizing. He was crying and my heart broke into million pieces._

_I can’t see him like this._

_He can’t be like this because of me._

_Because I’m the only failure. Not him._

_This is all happening because of me. I’m the sinner._

_I can’t let him be sad like this. No._

_This has to stop._

_This has to end._

“Fuck, fuck. No, no, no.” Mark nervously pleaded as he turns the page, silently praying that Jinyoung didn’t have another breakdown; that Jinyoung didn’t lost this time; that Jinyoung lives.

But as he turns the page, he was greeted by torn pages, a couple of them and Mark’s heart started beating a lot faster, he almost feel like losing his breath. He can’t. He just can’t imagine Jinyoung going through such pain. He hates himself for not being able to help Jinyoung. For doing nothing but read while he suffers; like he just watches him die.

Mark took a deep breath and composed himself as he reads the next entry hoping it’s better.

_Day 152_

_Today I lived for Jaebum._

_Today is the day I became selfish. I’ve always hated indulging myself, being happy. Because I know I don't deserve it. I know that being happy comes with a price. Being happy means feeling more pain in the next days._

_But I don't care anymore. This is going to be the last. I have to make it count._

_The past days weren’t easy. I struggled—we struggled. Jaebum didn't deserve to witness any of that, let alone experience it._

_So, I have decided. I’ll let him go._

_I don't deserve him and he deserve so much more than be with a loser, a failure like me. He deserves better._

_Today is going to be our last day together before I leave._

Mark’s heart grew tighter, praying to the heavens and all the saints that it’s not what he thinks when Jinyoung means to leave.

_It’s a Saturday. I woke up early and made breakfast. I prepared the stuff that Jaebum likes. I made toast, steamed eggs, kimchi fried rice—it doesn't really match well but I just made it all for him._

_Jaebum’s wide smile crushed my heart into tiny pieces but I couldn't cry. I can’t let him see me sad. He can’t know that I am leaving._

_He asked me what I want to do after we ate breakfast. He has been doing that a lot—ask me what I want to do, trying to take my mind away from the negative thoughts. I never really answered him before but today, I had everything planned out._

_I told him I wanted to go to the library. Oh, how his face light up when I answered. We both love reading books but really, being together is what makes us happier._

_I just realized how we never really had a decent date. All we ever did was him picking me up at work and grabbing a quick dinner then we’ll go home to play with Nora and watch some boring film or us doing nothing but read books._

_This is the first time we’re really going out for a date._

_We went to a book-themed café, just a few blocks away from his apartment. It was a nice café. I wonder why we haven’t been there before. We borrowed some books while we drink—coffee for him, milk for me._

_It was bothering me. A lot. I tried to take it off my mind and just enjoy this day I have with Jaebum._

_I sat beside him—leaving my seat in front of him—and interlaced my fingers to his under the table. I could see he was a bit shocked, he shot me this look as soon as I took his hand and he took his hand away. I was flustered, scared even, at first thinking he wouldn't like to show affection in public. But his face softened and he took away his hand only to wrap his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in. He has one hand on a book, the other around me. Butterflies in my stomach is an understatement; I couldn't help but smile._

_People are giving us stares; some of them looking soft, most of them are looking rather disgusted. But we didn't care. Or at least Jaebum. He doesn't give a fuck. As usual. It’s just me and him, nothing else matters._

_I’ve always been the opposite. I think about stuff. Too much. I let it in my head and I let it eat me and make me miserable._

_But today, just like Jaebum, I don't care about anything else. It’s just me and him. Even just for today._

_Until today._

_We had lunch at McDonald’s. Not as romantic as I thought it would be but it’s enough. After our lunch, we went to watch a movie. But it wasn't the mainstreams ones. Instead, we went to this special theater where they show different films from all around the country; some of them new, some of them released from over fifteen years ago._

_We watched the film_ Call Me By Your Name _. Honestly, I don't know anything about the film and I don’t really want watching films that I have no idea what the plot is. It’s giving me anxieties and I’m not even overreacting. There’s something about going into a dark theater to watch something you don't know. What if it turns out to be a very bad film? What if it challenges my beliefs? What if…what if it triggers me?_

_But Jaebum had this smile on his face and his warm hand on mine that I couldn't even bring myself to protest._

_An hour and a half into the film and I found myself crying. I wasn't ready for it. It reminded me of Jaebum and I. About me leaving. I resented Oliver for hurting Elio; for letting the poor boy fall madly in love with him only to leave him in the end._

_I hated Oliver but I hated myself more because that’s exactly what I was about to do to Jaebum. I’m going to leave him._

_By the time the film ended, I was already a mess. Jaebum held my hand throughout the film. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to leave and I said no. When we got out of the theater, Jaebum apologized saying he didn't expect it would affect me that much. I smiled and said it was okay._

_We spent the rest of the night walking around the city, doing nothing but holding each other’s hands as we let the cold breeze envelope us._

_As the night passes, I felt my heart beating too fast in my chest and I’m feeling this pit in my stomach grow bigger. It hurts so much knowing this is going to be our last day together. I know I’m going to hurt Jaebum so bad, it’s breaking my heart just thinking about it._

_But I know I’ll hurt him even more if we continue this._

_I’m a ticking bomb and nobody knows when I’m going to explode. Even I don't know. But I know it’s coming. I know it’s soon and I don't want Jaebum to be near me when it happens. He doesn't deserve this. I have to stay away from him._

_I got lost in my thoughts, once again, and Jaebum brought me back when he pulled me hard, almost dragging me. And in a second, we are running. I don't even know where we are going but we are running. Jaebum was giddy, he’s laughing like an excited child and seeing him like that, I can’t help but to laugh too._

_Before I can realize it, we are going up a flight of stairs. Then we are on top of building. We were panting then all of a sudden, we are laughing. We’re laughing like high schoolers getting drunk for the first time._

_His laugh died down a bit while I’m still high of laughter, my hand covering my mouth._

_I thought I was laughing. I really thought I was happy but then I felt my eyes tearing up and I don't know anymore._

_Jaebum took my hand away from my face and pulled me closer to kiss. It was surprising, warm, magical. It was beautiful._

_It’s the perfect way to end this day. To end us._

_Because that night, we went back home and once I’m sure he’s fast asleep, I left._

_I left with only a backpack with me, the one I prepared a few days ago. I took one last glance at him before I shut the door._

_I wanted to hug him, kiss him, hold him for the last time but I can’t do any of that._

_So, I just cried. Silently. As I walk out the door, leaving pieces of my shattered heart on the floor, hoping he’ll keep a piece of it with him._

_I took one last glance before I shut the door. There’s no coming back._

_This is it. Goodbye, Jaebum._

_This is the end._

_Goodbye._

_-Jinyoung_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm so sorry if this has taken so long.
> 
> Got a bit busy with life lol but here it is. As usual, I'd love to hear (read actually lol) what you think about this. Anything, literally anything, that you can say but only if you want to lmao your comments mean a lot to me
> 
> Thank you! <3

**Author's Note:**

> So here goes my first ever GOT7 fic as I said! 
> 
> This is loosely inspired by this [ Facebook post ](https://www.facebook.com/ADSPpage/photos/a.887885351231186.1073741829.666001683419555/1828683327151379/?type=3&theater) and this [ social media au ](https://twitter.com/dearmarksseunie/status/975557745800654848) on Twitter (go check it out!).
> 
> I'm nervous to post this because, for one, I was never really confident and second, I know that this is a sensitive topic and I'm afraid I won't be able to communicate the message properly and turn out to be insensitive. But this is a story I've always wanted to tell so here's a try.
> 
> As usual, I'd love to hear from you guys so (only if you want lol) drop some comments or hit me up on twitter/cc (@/howtobeucoco). Tell me what you think about this and if I should continue this lol
> 
> Thank you! <3


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